Friday, August 27, 2010
Breasts, Blood and Ball-Biting: The Piranha 3D Review
I went to Cancun on spring break in college. The partying scenes in this movie were what I thought it would be like. Maybe we didn't hit the correct hotspots, but my time was spent with a life-threatening sunburn, shitty food and a lot of tits that were smothered in clothing. It's a hell of a lot different in this film. Breasts are exposed just for the hell of it, and they're even played for laughs at some points, such as the girl windsurfer who lands and skids across the water (the camera is an underwater view, so all you see are her funbags flying across the top of the screen). There's even a nude underwater lesbian sex scene that was intentionally filmed with its 3D value in mind. That's not to say there isn't something for the ladies: shirtless men are everywhere and even a penis that floats right in front of your face at one point. Don't get too excited: it's severed, bloody, and a piranha burps it up.
A film with this intended audience needs to have tons and tons of blood and gore. It also needs original deaths that entertain (and sometimes disgust). This movie has plenty of both: bodies are dispatched in new and usually funny ways. A couple of my favorites involve the slicing of a topless woman's torso and watching it slowly fall off the lower body and a girls long hair getting caught in an outboard motor prop and watching her face and head get scalped. Blood spurts everywhere as young coeds get mangled one by one. At one point, that big motherfucker Ving Rhames rips an outboard off of a small boat and uses it as a weapon against the fish. A highlight of the film, for sure. There isn't a whole lot more to say: the acting is predictably terrible, breasts and body parts fly across and through the screen, gruesome deaths are right around every corner, and the 3D actually works pretty well most of the time. That's what I call (B) movie fun.