Friday, January 8, 2010

Every asshole has a top 10 list for one thing or another. Unfortunately, here's another one: my top 10 films of 2009. No, I didn't see every major wide release of the long year, nor did I see every critic/indie fuckfest that was released only to Nickelodeon Theater on Temple Street and THE WORST THEATER IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, Movies on Exchange (seriously though, I would rather watch a movie in the reflection of the toilet water the day after I ate Hellfire Wings at the Great Lost Bear than go to that shithole again). Overall, these movies have one thing in common: they made your life suck less in 2009. Let's Begin.

World's Greatest Dad

Death by Auto-erotic Asphyxiation, the forging of a suicide note, the manipulation of a an entire town by tapping into the complex human emotion of grief--these are things made of comedic gold. Robin Williams gives one of the better performances of his surprisingly great dramatic career, in a film written and directed by comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. If you don't enjoy laughing about death, internet porn, grief, and manipulation, (1) we shouldn't be friends anymore, and (2) you will hate this movie. I, for one, loved it.

The Road
Unfortunately, one the best books of the decade gets a movie that near nobody has seen or cares about. It's unfortunate because the film is a great supplement to the book. Directed by John Hillcoat (who made the similar sparse The Proposition), the film has haunting performances by Viggo Mortenson and Kodi McPhee as the man and son. The film might be too raw and depressing for some, but it's an unflinching look at a future that's looking more and more possible every day.

Big Fan

I was never a fan of Patten Oswalt; I just never thought he was very funny. Apparently, he has found his new niche in Dramedy. The movie is a story of a loser from Staten Island who works as a parking garage attendant and is a die-hard New York Giants fan. This is a story of conflict and redemption (written by the screenwriter of The Wrestler) in the world of late-night sports radio and excessive fandom. It's pathetic. It's funny. It's sad. Above all, it's a look at the honor and hope of a football fan.


Pixar continues its reign in the "Movies That Are Impossible To Not Love" category. Seriously, their movies are so goddamned cute and cuddly that I don't want to watch them, I want to bring them home and have them suckle on my titty. Plus, Pixar movies look fucking sick on blu ray! Although the Ed Asner-voiced crotchety old man can be a bit overbearing at times, the film works as a great adventure and meditation on aging and death. Yes, Pixar can be more than Cars and Monsters. See what I did there??


Here's a confession: I have never read a graphic novel in my life. I can imagine that this movie would be even more awesome if you know the source material, considering that it's supposed to be an almost frame-for-frame recreation of it. But you don't need to read it to enjoy the fucking sweet visual effects, graphic violence, and the Silk Spectre's bangin' bod. Plus, Jackie Earle Haley's portrayal of Rorschach is about as badass as Stallone in Cliffhanger. Which is to say, pretty fucking badass!

District 9

This was supposed to be the Halo movie. Peter Jackson and Neil Blomkamp were in line to make the Halo film, yet the studio shut it down because of monetary reasons. This is the cheaper (and probably better) film that was made. Although I found the first 20 minutes of documentary style to be a bit boring, and the connection between the "prawns" and the way we treat actual humans in certain situations to be about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the testes, this movie is just friggin' cool, man.

Up in the Air

George Clooney essentially plays himself as a jet-set woman lover who fires people for a living. I don't really have a lot to say about this movie, other than (1) it would make people feel bad for me for losing my job, (2) it has that cute mousy-looking chick, Anna Kendrick from Portland, Maine, and (3) it has Kenny "You're fuckin' out" Powers in it. Boo ya!

Star Trek

Not just a great Star Trek movie, a great movie period. J.J. Abrams takes a cue from his mildly famous Lost series and delves into time travel and alternate realities. With its phasers set to "stun", you experienced the most epic sci-fi film of the year.

The Hurt Locker

The top two films of 2009 have one thing in common: tension. This movie is full of it. This is the best war film of the past few years, if not longer. A lot of troops are bitching that this isn't a realistic portrayal of the real job of disarming devices in the middle east. Frankly, I don't give a shit. It's a movie, and it works beautifully as one.

Inglorious Basterds

This is the WWII movie that war-movie haters have been waiting for. The tension is so palpable that you could bash it with the Bear Jew's Baseball bat. Take the basement secret meeting for example. That shit was intense! I almost came in my pants about 47 times during this movie, that's how amazing it is. Like Lt. Aldo Raine's final swastika carving into Hans Landa's forehead, this may just be Tarantino's masterpiece.

Bonus: 3 movies that sucked in 2009

1) Paranormal Activity- This movie was fucking stupid. It wasn't scary, it wasn't intense, and the acting was horrible. Here's a great idea: let's rip off The Blair Witch Project and use a handheld camera to film some people being scared. NOT. Not only did this movie blow, I was hoping the stupid fucking couple would die within 5 minutes. I was on the "edge of my seat" in the sense that I was waiting for the movie to be over so I could go home and push out a bowel movement and actually enjoy myself.

2)Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen- Not even Megan Fox's flat stomach could save this steaming pile of dog shit. Also, if I wanted to watch Jive-talking robots, I could watch the "actors" hired to "act" in any Tyler Perry movie. That guy is a fucking douchebag.

3)Michael Jackson's This is It- No, I didn't see this movie; however, I can tell you that it sucked harder that Michael Jackson sucking Macaulay Culkin's dick when he was 12. Anyone who thinks that this weirdo/pedophile made good music, you need to have your fucking head examined. The world is a better place without you Michael, may you not rest in peace you fucking psycho.

1 comment:

  1. I agree with most of your top 10 list but I still can't see how you can leave out Avatar! Yes the acting may of been a bit pre-school but the movie was revolutionary! the story; however not original it was simply amazing, and cameron perfected it. I left that movie and wanted not only to kill the three white people next to me but anyone who wouldn't want to turn them selves in to a blue person! Saying Star Trek was the best sci-fi movie of the year is just a slap in the face to what is soon to be the #1 movie of all time. Good blog though, i laughed out loud a few times.