Netflix Stream This:

Teeth

     You see that movie poster to the left? It's a bit misleading. When I came across Teeth (heh) on my Netflix Watch Instantly page, I knew that I should make a post about it (and not solely to make the previous joke). I knew because Teeth bites you and doesn't let go. It's a coming-of-age story for the horror-humor generation: Dawn is a girl that is just starting to experience her budding sexuality. She tries to suppress this urge by being an active member in a chastity group. Unfortunately, life at home isn't quite as easy: her step-brother, Brad, is vulgar and weird, and he seems to have an unhealthy attraction to Dawn. When Dawn is the victim of a sexual assault, she realizes that she's not like other girls; she has a set of teeth growing inside of her twat that likes to bite unwanted objects. She then experiences the ups and downs of having a set of deadly beef-drape dentures. (The ups and downs being, mostly, severed penises.)
     What sicko could dream up this sort of thing? Well, it's actually based upon real mythology: the vagina dentata myth. Numerous cultures have different tales and stories about women with toothed pink tacos. It's usually used as a cautionary tale warning the dangers involved with sleeping with strange women and to prevent the crime of rape. According to the always-useful Wikipedia, 

"The vagina dentata appears in the myths of several cultures. Erich Neumann relays one such myth in which 'a fish inhabits the vagina of the Terrible Mother; the hero is the man who overcomes the Terrible Mother, breaks the teeth out of her vagina, and so makes her into a woman.' The legend also appears in the mythology of the Chaco and Guiana tribes. In some versions, the hero leaves one tooth. An Ainu language tale containing this element was published as "The Island of Women" by Basil Hall Chamberlain, where it was described as a well known Japanese tale by E. B. Tylor. In his book, The Wimp Factor, Stephen J. Ducat expresses the view that these myths express the threat sexual intercourse poses for men who, although entering triumphantly, always leave diminished."

     Not that Teeth plays the myth in a serious tone. Unlike other older cautionary tales about strange and lustful women, such as Basic Instinct or Fatal Attraction, this film plays the poon pearlies angle to comedic gold. Also filled with horror and women's empowerment, Teeth is truly about a young lady coming to grips with womanhood--even if that womanhood involves a muff that munches.

It Just Missed My Heart: A Review of Hanna

     Recently, I saw last year's film Never Let Me Go, about children growing up and slowly realizing that their life is much different from other youngsters. They were brought up for a specific purpose, to benefit mankind in a very controversial way. Never Let Me Go is a slow-moving, beautifully-filmed coming-of-age story. Why this mention of 2010's art-house film about children born with a predetermined path? Well, 2011's Hanna, at it's core, is also a movie about a child who was born because of controversial government-decided reasons. It's also beautifully-filmed. But it sure isn't slow-moving: from it's opening bow-and-arrow killing to all of the violent outbursts throughout the film, Hanna (with its pounding music and quick camera work) is always in a state of urgency that many action thrillers can only aspire to duplicate. Unfortunately, with its toned-down PG-13 rating, all of this urgency doesn't add up to much more than an emotionless girl on a tame killing spree for reasons that don't really matter.
    When you first see Hanna, its quite easy to determine that she is a quick and efficient killing machine. Hunting a deer in the woods with a bow, she is one among the snow and birch trees. As she's gutting her kill, we meet her father as he sneaks up behind her and utters the words (words Hanna hears plenty of), "You're dead." Soon enough, assumptions can be made: Hanna and her dad, Erik, live deep in the forest and fend for themselves (kind of a ruthless Alone in the Wilderness). Her pops has (for reasons not yet apparent) taught her how to kill in just about any way imaginable, with both weapons and hand-to-hand. When these reasons do become apparent, Hanna will have to go on the fight of her life. Erik is an agent of some sort, apparently with skills so fucking great that a few certain CIA members (one in particular, portrayed by Cate Blanchett in a nothing-but-villainous role) are getting their panties in a bunch to try and find him and the girl. Erik eventually realizes that the time has come to release his creation into the real world.

    This release is where some of the excitement and some of the problems lie: the opening of the film, before Hanna's dad sicks her onto the CIA agents, is a lot like the Grimm fairy tales that Hanna reads by the light of the fire late at night. She and her father are alone in the woods, in a simple home built by bare hands, hunting for their meals. The training montages are typical but exciting, and the cinematography is beautiful. Once Hanna experiences the real world, techno music kicks in and we are bombarded with the technology and industrialization that one would encounter when first witnessing the hi-tech environment. I get it: we're supposed to feel bombarded with these sounds and images, because it causes us to relate to Hanna on a much higher level, since she is experiencing it for the first time. But I couldn't help but wish that film was more like the beginning: quiet and thoughtful. The excitement builds and builds, but when it explodes we're left with tame PG-13 killings, and most of the violence takes place off screen (a problem that Sucker Punch dealt with too). Many critics have been mentioning 2010's Kick-Ass in their reviews for Hanna, due to the fact that both films have young teenage girls disposing of people without emotion: The difference is that Kick-Ass was funny, fun, vulgar and extremely violent, where Hanna is just pretty to look at (the movie not that character, you pedophiles).
     Hanna is a good movie. It's just easier to focus on the negatives when I feel that it had so much more potential, like a teenage version of Kill Bill. A lot of the film deals with Hanna's experiences with normal, everyday life that she has never had to chance to encounter. For instance, she meets up with a family and gains her first looks at friendship and romance. That's all well and good, but the movie sets us up for explosions of revenge and violence, and they are just too few and far between. And when they do come, the audience (at least myself) is so desensitized due to viewing films like the Bourne franchise and Kick-Ass that nothing really got my blood pumping. The excitement didn't match the expectations.     (B-)

[Insert Groundhog Day Reference Here]: A Review of Source Code

     It's a fact to state that a large number of human beings wish that they had the power to go back to certain time or day in their lives and relive that time or day to fix mistakes that shaped them forever, usually for the worse. I know that it's why I love 1993's classic comedy Groundhog Day (starring--obviously--Bill Murray): don't we all wish that we could live the same day over and over (maybe not for eternity), fixing every mistake, saving lives, gaining and gorging our minds with any conceivable form or knowledge, whether that be mastering the piano or knowing all of the classic works of literature by heart? Source Code, the new film by geek wonder-boy Duncan Jones, who previously directed 2009's wonderful Moon (and who is also the son of David Bowie), transforms the Groundhog Day formula from reliving one full day over and over again to reliving the last 8 minutes of a man's life aboard a Chicago commuter train about to get annihilated by a terrorist attack. It's a smart and effective sci-fi thriller, and although it doesn't quite reach the greatness of the previously mentioned Moon, it's still one of the best films so far in 2011.
     It's impossible to talk about the plot of Source Code without giving away information that would be better left not knowing going into the theater. Similar to last year's best film Inception, the joy is in the journey of discovery. I also avoided the movie's trailers and went in solely on the cred of Duncan's first film. So go ahead and read on if you don't care or have seen the film. If not, so long, and I'll see you in another life, brother.
     A man, played in typical charming and likable fashion by usually poor-choice-of-movie-picker Jake Gyllenhaal, wakes up on a train. He doesn't know how he got on this particular train, or even how he is in America. You see, his name is Colter Stevens, and he is an Army Helicopter pilot in Afghanistan. He's talking to a woman that he's never met (played by Michelle Monaghan, who doesn't do too much more than seem like an honest and likable young woman) but seems to know him. Colter feels sick and goes to the bathroom, only to discover the face in the mirror is not his, but another random man. The viewer, like Colter, becomes confused and disoriented--which is where the fun starts in this whole thing. After 8 minutes the train blows up. In typical sci-fi fashion, a flood of pictures, sounds, and speed-of-light images quickly stream across the screen. Colter then wakes up in some sort of pod that is clearly malfunctioning, speaking into a video monitor to some sort of army scientist.

    Here's where things get crazy and preposterous. However, events unfold so quickly and are so thrilling that you don't really give a shit how the science of the whole thing works: Colter quickly realizes that he is in some sort of experiment to do with the terrorist attack. One of the victim's brains was harvested from the wreckage, and the memory of the last 8 minutes of his life has been implanted onto some sort of source code, allowing Colter to wire in and experience the events like he is actually there. So he goes back. And back. And back again to the final 8 minutes of this man's life, trying to determine where the bomb is and who the bomber is, due to the fact that military intelligence believes that the bomber left the train and is going to strike again. Since Colter is gaining knowledge and remembering all of the past tries, he eventually falls for Monaghan's character, as any hot-blooded throbbing-cocked American man would.
     Eventually, once we learn where Colter actually is during these 8-minute trips, a more human touch enters the film. Is it possible that Colter can alter the fate of the train's passengers, even though they are already dead? Can Colter save the girl who he has fallen in love with? If he stops the explosion, do these people actually live forever in an alternate reality? And if so, where does Colter fit into all of this, since he essentially took over another man's body over and over for the final 8 minutes? It's better not to think about the logistics of all of the quantum mechanics and paradoxes and to just focus on the ever-growing danger of possibly not being able to save people who you have grown to love.     (A-)
    

What You'll Want to be Watching:

                                        
                                           The Killing

     Here's a short, quick notice, folks: the almost-but-not-quite-HBO television network AMC is premiering its new series, The Killing, with a two-hour grand event Sunday night starting at 9 P.M. Eastern. As you probably (and fucking should) know, AMC is home to two of the top ten shows that are still airing new episodes on television--Mad Men (whose creators just announced today that the new season wouldn't premiere until early 2012) and the bestest, brilliant Breaking Bad (with the new season starting in June/July). With the winter doldrums finally crawling their way out of the state, it's time to open the windows and let the cool breeze bring in some new and exciting television shows. 

     Although I am significantly more excited for April 17th's HBO series premiere of A Game of Thrones (if excitement is measured in the number of boxer brief changes while watching the latest trailer, which I think it clearly has to), AMC's The Killing looks like it could be a nice mysterious slow-burner, with a major payoff at the end. Based upon a Danish television series, The Killing is a drama set in Seattle, Washington that chronicles the police investigation, family, and suspects of a town that just experienced the murder of a young girl. Each episode in the first season's 13 episode run will show one day of the investigation. The show looks dark, tragic and beautiful--just how I like my dramas. But don't just listen to this ratty, old blog: early reaction is extremely positive. People are calling it "excellent," "addictive", and they cite the fact that you can't wait until the next episode every time one ends, "the hallmark of any great drama." Other kind words are out there in cyberspace as well, if you choose to look. So this Sunday, whether I am watching it live or it is recording onto my DVR, I will experience AMC's new series, The Killing, with it's 2 hour premiere. One can only hope it will come close to reaching the greatness of the network's other two brilliant dramas.  

Babes in Toyland: The Sucker Punch Review

     The sub-genre of action/horror/thriller films that feature attractive women kicking ass has always held an enjoyable place deep inside the cockles of my heart. Whether it has been Ripley standing up to the horrific aliens in the Alien franchise ("Get away from her, you bitch!"), Sarah Connor bulking up and going toe-to-toe with T1000 in the second Terminator film, or Beatrix Kiddo (The Bride) violently destroying everything in her way in the whole bloody affair that is Kill Bill, these ladies always have two things in common: they're talented at killing things that deserve to be killed and they make my penis fill up with blood. Sucker Punch, the latest from 300 and Watchmen director Zack Snyder, features a number of scantily clad beautiful women annihilating various people, the undead, and mythical creatures; unfortunately, that's just about all it boils down to. With a simpleton plot and characters that you never feel any real danger for, Sucker Punch becomes a semi-entertaining night of watching someone else play a visually-amazing videogame. It's entertaining at first, and you might see come cool shit, but ultimately, you could be watching something better.
     Zack Snyder has a knack for opening a film with panache. The beginning credit sequence of the Dawn of the Dead remake and Watchmen are unbelievably well executed, and Snyder basically continues that trend here. Using a rendition of "Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)," the basic plot is set forth: facing up to her abusive stepfather, Babydoll is sent to an insane asylum (by him) and is to be lobotomized in five days time. Once there, she retreats into a fantastical world where she needs to recover 5 items (a map, a fire starter, a knife, a key, and something she will discover when the time is right) to able to escape the institution. She gains the trust of four other girls (Sweet Pea, Rocket, Blondie and Amber) and enlists them into helping her so they can all escape. (There's no need to get into the fact that all of the girls' names and attire could be the main plot of a pedophile's masturbatory fantasy.) There are layers of the fantasy world. In real life, the girls are in an dark and dreary institution. In Babydoll's main fantasy, the girls are all dancers/whores for a club owner (the sadistic asylum employee, in real life), and in five days time, Babydoll is going to be sold to the high roller (the lobotomist, in real life [played interestingly by Mad Men's Jon Hamm]). However, it goes even further. When Babydoll dances for customers in her fantasy world, everyone is transfixed, and she enters another dream world in which the girls metaphorically battle for the 5 items (one at a time) against horrific, demented and powerful beings and creatures. Confused yet? This will make it easier: As the girls fight for, say, the map, in the second layer of dreamworld against the scary monsters, the girls are stealing the map from the office in the main dream world. So the two dream worlds correspond into obtaining the same objective.

   This second dream world is where the main problem with the film lies: there is no real danger involved. It doesn't make a difference how many hundreds of robots or gas-mask-wearing zombies the girls kill--they are still just stuck in a mental institution, waiting to die or be lobotomized. By making the alternate reality a coping mechanism for Babydoll, it's taking away the emotional impact of the real life situation. They jump, they shoot, they kill giant-sized metal samurais and take down dragons with long swords. But instead of being excited by these killings (like Ripley and the Alien), I was left with my dick in my hand, wishing it was an Xbox controller, while also wishing I was watching Kill Bill for the 14th time. The film also has a line of dialogue that goes something like, "Don't write checks that your ass can't cash" and it has a loud noise to drown out the sound of one the girls saying "fucker" (ala Live Free or Die Hard). These two instances of shit hurt my enjoyment of the film. It's the little things, you know?
     As much as I just complained about how the dream fights took away from the real emotional impact of the film, I have to raise my rating a full letter grade due to it's amazing visual wizardry. From watching 300 or Watchmen, one can easily determine that Snyder's best talent as director is hugely stylized visual effects. Some of the fights really were quite breathtaking, and two or three times I even found myself excited when Babydoll closed her eyes and the magical dreamworld kicked in with the loudest music I have ever heard at a movie theater. Unfortunately, looks and style are clearly not everything when you don't have an exciting script to work with. Sucker Punch is like a donkey punch: exciting yet painful, dangerous and sexual, and it definitely did not leave me wanting more.     (C+)
 

What You'll Want to be Watching:

                                               
                                              Rubber

     The title of this particular blog post is a bit misleading. I'm not sure if you'll want to actually be watching the movie Rubber when it comes to a theater (or video-on-demand) near you. If you're an Internet nerd like myself, you may have seen the trailer for this film somewhere along your cyber travels: Rubber is more like an experiment in film-making than a movie you get really excited about. Robert is a tire (yes, you read that correctly) that has been left in the desert. Suddenly, the once inanimate tire becomes animated and starts rolling the landscape. While rolling this dry countryside, Robert realizes that he has telegraphic powers that lets him destroy anything he comes across. At first, he becomes satisfied with small animals and desert creatures, but after a while, he starts focusing his attention on humans and becomes a treacherous villain to be reckoned with.
     "This sounds so fucking stupid," most of you are thinking. And that may be true. But after seeing the same unoriginal piece of shit films year after year, isn't it somewhat refreshing to see something new and surprising? Rubber is a take on the sub-genre of film of "no reason." That is, there is no reason for a normal black tire to suddenly gain life and go on a killing spree across the desert landscape. It just does.

The Trailer:

     
     Clearly, the cinematography and direction actually look pretty damn good. Rubber was released at Cannes Film Festival critic's week last May--to mixed reviews. Some called it one of the most bizarre experiments in film in quite some time, while others called it a tense horror film that has the same footage that it mocks. Here's all I am hoping for: an interesting horror/comedy that will be unlike anything else I will see this year.

E.T meets Road Trip (Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind was Already Taken): A Review of Paul

     Comic-Con has been integrated into pop culture and has become extremely popular throughout the last few years. For those (non-nerds) unaware of said convention, Comic-Con is a celebration of nerd/pop culture that takes place every year in San Diego. It showcases the year's latest in comic books, scifi/fantasy movies and television and various other similar products that help you in not getting laid. I mention this geek-orgasm-inducing event because if you're not familiar with the festival, than many of the jokes in Paul will soar over your head like a space vessel. The film, which is the latest from the brilliant minds of Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, is a science fiction-road trip buddy comedy with aspects of Superbad, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Fanboys. The film is heartwarming and funny (enough), and although there are chuckles to be had by all, ultimately, Paul doesn't quite reach the heights of the best work by all of the talent involved.
     Speaking of the talent involved, it is immense: the two main characters, Graeme and Willy, portrayed by Pegg and Frost, are two nerds from England who take a holiday to the U.S. to go to Comic-Con and travel in an RV to all of the UFO tourist hot spots. Their nerd fantasy becomes nerd reality when a visitor from another galaxy, Paul, enters their life. If you have seen the trailer for this movie, it wouldn't have taken much to recognize that the alien's voice is none other than Seth Rogen. This is a benefit to the film and also a detriment. I figured that Rogen's voice would become annoying, like nails on a chalkboard, but that simply wasn't the case: Rogen gives some of his most charming work here. But that doesn't change the fact that the alien Paul just is Seth Rogen. He speaks in sarcasm and excessive vulgarity, he smokes pot and is rude but also has lovable moments. He even dresses like a slacker. Although he is amusing most of the time and hilarious sometimes, I can't help but think that a less recognizable voice in the role of Paul would have been more successful. There are other great characters too: without giving too much away, we learn that Paul's spacecraft has crashed a long time ago, and he has just recently escaped his captors and wants to signal a ship to come pick him up. This involves a journey across cities and states. But this isn't all just fun and games. A group of federal agents are after him, two of which are played with wonderful villainy by SNL's Bill Hader and Arrested Development's Jason Bateman. There are a plethora of funny moments in Paul, and I was smiling most of the film. It just wasn't hilarious.

    And...there is a reason for that: it's impossible not to measure this film against the two other Simon Pegg/Nick Frost collaborations. Their first, 2004's Zom-Rom-Com Shaun of the Dead (commence the eye-rolling at another Shaun mention by me) is my favorite comedy of all time. No hyperbole here: I jizz over that shit. Not that I don't love 2007's Hot Fuzz, a comedy homage to the Lethal Weapons, Die Hards, and Bad Boys of the world. I would place Fuzz on my hypothetical Top 25 Comedy list. So the expectations were lofty. And it didn't quite meet them. At the core, it had the potential to be on the podium with the other two. It just didn't surprise me. The jokes were good but not great, and no jokes went as far as the layers upon layers of jokes that are embedded in Shaun and Fuzz. It also didn't have the exciting  direction that the great Edgar Wright brings to the film-making table. But let's not have a dick-measuring contest with two previous masterpieces of comedy. This movie is fun, and it put a smile on my face. At its core, Paul is about living things that just want to make friends until they find their way back home, wherever home may be--something we can all relate to.     (B)

Netflix Stream This, Bitch!

Fish Tank

    Fish Tank is one of the latest British films that takes a close look at an aspect of the seedy underbelly of England. That's not to say this film deals with crime, violence or drug use (though it certainly does have bits and pieces of those things), but this movie shows what it's like growing up as an attractive 15-year old girl in an Essex housing project, dealing with a single mom and younger sister and all of the pressures that one feels (especially young women) when trying to survive in the teenage world. The film is another great piece to come out of England that completely succeeds as a study of social realism. Fish Tank is not for everyone: if you're one of those (dumb fuck) people who would never watch an independent movie because it's too slow or boring, than I would stay far away from this realistic portrait of a volatile teen girl. But if you want a challenging and rewarding movie-watching experience, then Fish Tank will be right up your alley.
     Mia is 15 years old, and she lives with her attractive, slutty mom and foul-mouthed younger sister. She's essentially a loner, travelling the landscape of misguided youths and dead metal machines by foot on a daily basis. One of her few escapes is an abandoned apartment in which she turns her music up loud and practices different varieties of hip hop dancing, a hobby that she dreams to turn into a profession one day. Thankfully, other than the dancing aspect, this film bears no resemblance to the Step Up pile-o-shit atrocities. Where the real plot lies is when Mia's mother's new boyfriend, Connor (played with scary charm by one of my favorites, Michael Fassbender), enters the picture with secrets of his own. He tries to bring a more fatherly aspect to the three-female family, and things do not go as planned.
     Yes, I know it sounds bleak, not something you would want to watch on a nice Saturday night; however, Fish Tank dodges many of the traps that other films of this type would fall right into. Instead of being depressing, it's empowering. This is the case because of the awesome performance by Katie Jarvis as Mia and the beautiful direction by Andrea Arnold. When you watch the film, you can see that Mia isn't a great dancer. But she enjoys the dancing when she is alone, so it is a success for what it is. The film cares less about what happens to Mia after the credits roll and instead just portrays the realistic nature of the life she has known since she has arrived on this Earth. Fish Tank is many things: it's about a girl caught somewhere between childhood and womanhood and all of the pressures and experiences that she handles on a daily basis. It's a story about following or giving up on your dreams. It's another great performance by the Irishman Michael Fassbender. And it's a great film.

Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon: A Review of Rango

     So far, the year two-thousand and eleven has been one hell of a horrendous year for the average movie-goer. March is already half-way over, and we've only gotten just plain shit (basically): three of the top four-grossing films so far have been the Adam Sandler movie Just Go with It, which relied completely upon the marketing of Brooklyn Decker's huge and luscious funbags, the animated film Gnomeo and Juliet (I mean: just take a look at that fucking title), and the Mr. Demi Moore-starring No Strings Attached. Thankfully, the 5th highest grossing film so far this year, Rango, rises above the continuing stream of thick sewage that flows from the cinemas: although it has plenty of faults, Rango, starring the main voice of Johnny Depp, is a generally fun, wacky and weird ride through a beautiful picturesque landscape filled with interesting creatures and a sign-of-the-times plot about the conservation of clean water.
     Dirt, the fictional town in which Rango takes place, is a very interesting and typical dangerous little village that seems to be the setting for hundreds of Western films throughout the age of cinema. The common folk mingle with outlaws as they saunter down the street. If you push open the swinging wooden doors and step into the town saloon, card games are being argued over and tobacco juice drips down chins. Don't even think about asking for water from the barkeep. All that's on tap is fermented flammable cactus juice. As you may have figured, this animated town's inhabitants are desert creatures instead of humans, but some of the conflicts are the same as other Western films: the main treasure in the film is stored in the bank vault, only its water instead of money. There is a power-hungry mayor and a band of outlaws and bad creatures around to cause trouble. When Rango the chameleon decides to become a lizard that he is not (that is, to pretend to be a legend and all-around badass from the far west), he embarks on a journey to try and save the town's water supply from a myriad of various exciting situations and animals.

    Rango is more interesting than other non-Pixar animated fare for two reasons: the first is that the film was created in an exciting and original way. Typically, voice actors in most animated films read their lines into a microphone in a small, dark recording studio. That isn't the case here; Rango's voice actors all got together in the same studio and recorded their lines as well as acting them out. They had 20 days and box of costumes to wear. The director of Rango, Gore Verbinski--who previously directed The Ring and the first three Pirates of the Caribbean films--points out a good reason for it: "This is my first animated film and the process of the way voices have been recorded seemed bizarre to me. I wanted the actors to be together, collide into each other. It was okay if their lines overlapped or they were out of breath, sniffled or snorted." It's noticeable in the final product. Rango sizzles with witty, quick dialogue and human emotion.
     The other reason the film is interesting is its existential nature, and that's also one of the problems with the film: it's marketed towards children, but is more suited for adults who raise the question of Who am I? and contemplate the reasoning between existing and nothingness. Rango gets thrown into this new town and decides to become something that he always wanted to be: a hero. Near the beginning of the film, before he gets to the town of Dirt, Rango is dying of thirst on one side of the road when he comes upon an armadillo. The wise armadillo leaves Rango and says, "See you on the other side." "Of what, the road?" Rango replies. "It's a metaphor," Mr. Armadillo states. My advice: leave the children and their undeveloped mush of brains at home with a babysitter. The film might not answer the question of Who am I? to you, but for two hours, you can watch a once-timid now-heroic lizard find the answer to just that.     (B+)

Netflix Stream This, Bitch!

This Film is Not Yet Rated

     Every single film that you watch is rated by the Motion Picture Association of America. The question is: who are the actual people that decide what content is appropriate for our children and various age groups? According to this wonderful muckraking documentary, it's a bunch of stuffy, over-40-year-olds that really have no merit to decide what is viewable for any of your young children. The film has many points that ponder the question of whether or not the process should be reviewed or scrapped altogether for a new process: one of the main problems is the members of actual rating board are anonymous, so the public doesn't know who decides these ratings. Kirby Dick, the film's director, digs deep into the detriments of such a censorship system, and anyone sane will come away with the opinion that the MPAA ratings board is a corrupt system that plays favorites and doesn't have any real credentials when rating a film G, PG, PG-13, R, or NC-17. 
     Speaking of the rating "NC-17" (which means no admittance whatsoever for any person under 17 years old), that is exactly the rating that the MPAA ratings board smacked down on this film--particularly due to the fact that this film shows various scenes from actual NC-17 movies and questions their ratings along the way.  As stated above, the members of this illogical board are anonymous; one of the main reasons this film saw significant press was the hiring of a private investigator to determine the members of the board. And here they are (as of 2006):

• • Barry Freeman - 45 - married - elementary school aged children
  • Arlene Bates - 44 - married - age of children: 15 and 23
  • Matt Ioakimedes - 46 - divorced - age of children: 17 and 20 (had served as a rater for 9 years as of 2005)
  • Joan Worden - 56 - married - age of children: 18 (twins)
  • Scott Young - 51 - married - age of children: 22 and 24 (next-door neighbor of Mrs. Bates)
  • Joann Yatabe - 61 - married - age of children: 22 and 25
  • Howard Friedkin - 47 - divorced - no children (aspiring screenwriter)

     As you can see, the majority of the members either own theater chains or are representatives of a religion (I won't even bother getting into that here). You would think that the members of a ratings board with ratings that only apply to persons under the age of 17 would have children under the age of 17, no? No. Most of them do not have children under the age of 18. It's all a tangled mess involving advertisement and money through the owners of the above chains. As Roger Ebert states, "although the MPAA ratings are supposedly "voluntary," agreements between the studios that fund the organization, the exhibitors who show their films, and the media in which those films are advertised, make it something less than optional for most films." 

    If you watch This Film is Not Yet Rated, and I suggest you do just that if you are at all interested in film, you will see that this is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the problems with this organization. The board clearly treats homosexual material in a harsher light than heterosexual material, the board is extremely afraid of the female orgasm (Obviously because its members have never given one), and the board thinks penises are hideous, disgusting things. They receive no training on the ratings they deliver. They are liberal when it comes to showing violence and ultra-conservative when it comes to showing anything sexual. They are uptight and simply ignorant when it comes to knowing what is appropriate for the country's collective children.  The question we need to ask is this: what's worse, showing a man's head getting blown off in a bloody, meaty mess, or a little bit of female public hair? After all, pubes are God's creation. 

What You'll Want to be Watching:

                                                                
                                    Game of Thrones

     One might as well call this ongoing blog series (that I have been neglecting due to NFL football, which, coincidentally, is now over for the season) What You'll Want to be Watching (on HBO) due to the fact that HBO is one of the only television stations that consistently produces the best shows. Come April 17th, I don't expect the trend to stop: Game of Thrones, the new series based on the epic fantasy novels by George R. R. Martin, will come to fruition on that Sunday night, and from early looks at the cast and set, along with various articles that I have read about the entire making of the series, the show is looking absolutely right; in other words, entertaining, violent, sexual and gritty. Starring the always-game-to-swing-a-sword Sean Bean, the great little actor Peter Dinklage, and Lena Headley, the show (at least if it follows the books) is set to becomes the series that fills the hole that Rome left, along with some of the family drama of a series such as The Sopranos, and the vulgarity of a show such as Deadwood--not that I would dare claim that this show will be as great as the formerly mentioned--but if it plays to audiences as good as it sounds and looks, HBO Sunday nights will be Must-See T.V. yet again.
     For those of you unfamiliar with the story, and I feel sorry for you, it's "fantasy for cool people." It takes place in the fictional world of Westeros, where various families are vying for the Iron Throne. In this fictional land, the weather is peculiar: summers can last years and winters can last entire lifetimes. According to HBO, this version of the story will "stretch from the South, where heat breeds plots, lusts and intrigues; to the vast and savage Eastern lands; all the way to the frozen North, where an 800 foot wall of ice protects the kingdom from the dark (and supernatural) forces that lie beyond. Kings and Queens, Knights and renegades, liars, lords and honest men...all will play the Game of Thrones." The show will be violent, dirty, and will have lots of tits. Probably penises, too, ladies.

     Technically, A Game of Thrones is the title of the first book in the entire fantasy series, better known as A Song of Ice and Fire. Originally planned as a trilogy, Mr. Martin has switched that to at least 7 books, 4 of which have been written and published. I highly suggest to anyone with even a tiny, miniscule interest in fantasy to read these great books, as they have a sense of character and are, dare I say, better written than most typical fantasy fare. HBO is planning on making a 10-13 episode season with each of the books (if the show is a success), so assuming the show is great and Mr. Martin can crank out the books a little bit faster than his pace--which is similar to a snails--we should have a solid 7 seasons of great television. I know that these are big ifs. And this is also assuming that the getting-up-there-in-age-and-weight George R. R. Martin doesn't bite the bullet before writing the complete series of books. But if I have faith in anything dealing with televsion, it's HBO.

T-T-T-Today, Junior: The King's Speech Review

What, exactly, constitutes a film as Oscar-Bait? There are a myriad of examples: films that run longer than they should, British period dramas that are filled with elaborate sets and costumes, films with casts that have previously won acting trophies, films that run "For Your Consideration" advertisements accompanied by sweeping, epic musical notes. Do films that fall into these categories generally suck? They don't have to: previous films that fall close to any of these categories I have loved--Polanski's The Pianist and Fincher's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button are two examples. The King's Speech hits many of the criteria (a British period drama, a story about a man with a disability, a heartwarming story and friendship); however, none of these things change the fact that The King's Speech is an entertaining and tearjerking (although sometimes obvious) stroll through a portion of the life of stammering King George VI.
     Anyone that has any little fear about public speaking can relate to the stammering of King George VI (portrayed with amazing precision by the future Best Actor winner, Colin Firth), nicknamed Bertie, and that is precisely the reason why the film works on many different levels. At the beginning of the film, his stutter is devastating: in one of the many extremely tense and awkward scenes in the movie, it's almost uncomfortable to sit in the theater seat and watch (This helps the major payoff at the end of the film in relation to seeing someone overcome adversity in the face of pressure and stress). He has been ridiculed throughout his entire life about his stammer, mostly by his father, King George V, and his brother, King Edward VIII. When King George becomes ill and dies, Bertie's older brother Edward becomes King, but his reign comes to an end suddenly and quickly due to the love of a divorced women. Bertie, now King George VI, becomes King during one of the most important wartime eras in history. Consequently, that means that Bertie becomes the center of attention, and he must deliver one of the most important speeches declaring war against Hitler's Germany.

     The King's Speech is great instead of good because of one reason: the sometimes hilarious and always heartwarming relationship between Bertie and his speech therapist, Lionel Logue (portrayed with a warm and humorous understanding by Geoffrey Rush). Bertie goes to the "doctor" after he and his wife have exhausted many options to help his stammering. In the first of many meetings between the  royal man and the common man, Lionel has Bertie recite Shakespeare into a recording device while wearing headphones playing very loud music so he can't hear himself speak. He gets frustrated, throws a tantrum and leaves, but not before Lionel gives him the recording as a parting gift. A few scenes pass before the obvious happens: Bertie, angry and hopeless, listens to the recording and hears himself reciting without much of a stammer at all. This realization by Bertie that Lionel may possibly have the answer to help him with his problem propels the film to the entertaining ups and downs of Bertie overcoming his problem with Lionel's help. Throughout the film, their scenes together are always amazing and magical, with Lionel as the conductor and Bertie's voice as the music.
     Lately, The King's Speech has been stealing the momentum of The Social Network in the Best Picture Oscar race. I can see why; however, I think that The Social Network is the better film, a better film about "now" and one that shows the world how it is today. But: I'm not going to go too far and say that I will be disappointed if The King's Speech brings home the big trophy. Although it is the definition of perfect wanking material for the older Oscar voters, The King's Speech is an uplifting story about a man overcoming personal adversity in the face of enormous pressure, a story about the benefits of a loving wife and a true friend, and a story about the nervousness we all feel at some point in our lives.     (B+)

No Need to Fix The Mechanic

     It's safe to say that now, with the first month of the new decade slowly chilling our bones, one could consider Jason Statham to be among the greater action stars of the past ten years. Whatever film that he appears in--whether that be as a deadly knife expert in The Expendables or an expert car driver in The Transporter (or, let's be honest, an ass-kicking martial artist in every film that he graces his presence with)--there are wonderfully crazy action set pieces and plenty of scenes that display his downright scowl. The Mechanic, a remake of the 1972 film of the same name, throws a few interesting ideas into the Jason-Statham-Action-Movie-Machine, and it mostly succeeds. Statham is as ruthless as ever here, through his character is barely different as any of his others. Look Angry. Become Angry. Say Something Witty. Kill People. Escape With a Death-Defying Stunt. Repeat. Also starring (maybe) my favorite up-and-comer Ben Foster, 2011's The Mechanic is an ultra-violent and entertaining look at a hitman who joins forces with his last target's son to settle some scores.
     "Do you know what a Mechanic is other than the obvious definition?", Statham asks his young trainee. The answer is simple, yet complex. Essentially, the film is about an elite hitman that completes contracts for the company that he works for. Sounds simple enough. Why not just call this movie Jason Statham Action Vehicle Circa 2011? One of the reasons that it is slightly more than that is the two presences in the film other than Statham himself: the previously mentioned Ben Foster and the underused Donald Sutherland. Let's start with the elder. Nobody ever talks about Donald Sutherland; however, one would be hard-pressed to find an older actor that displays sinister charm and witty grumpy-old-man better than him. In this film, he portrays a middle man between the company that contracts the killings and Statham himself. Things do not go as planned once the company surpasses Sutherland's character to give Statham his next contract: killing Sutherland himself, due to a supposed treason that Sutherland recently committed. Ben Foster plays Sutherland's son, and him and Statham eventually team up to try and take down the entire operation.

    I've appreciated Ben Foster's talents far longer than most, starting with his years on one of HBO's best shows ever, Six Feet Under. He continued catching my attention is roles in Alpha Dog (I know...), 3:10 to Yuma, and more recently, the exceptional The Messenger. In my view, there is one simple quality that makes an actor great: you can't take your eyes off of them when they are on the screen. Foster has this quality, and I look forward to seeing him in roles for years to come. In this film, he takes a leap into a new role: action movie star. Whether he is taking on a 6' 7", 300 pound man or three thugs at once or drinking whiskey by the glass, Foster eradicates them with brutal force and emotion. He learns the ropes from Statham's character in the film, and apparently the montage of him shooting assault rifles gave him the ability to be precise and sure with the trigger, because throughout the entire film, he gives the star Staham a run for his money in terms of violent and entertaining killings.
     That's not to say that the film doesn't have it's share of problems and questions to be raised. Such as: why does it seem like in these types of films, there are no police officers rushing to the scenes of massive explosions and shootouts with P-90's and AK-47's? I don't remember seeing one cop throughout the whole movie doing anything to prevent or try and stop the massive cluster fucks that befell the cities and characters. Christ, I don't even remember seeing a police officer in the film at all. I guess that's what critics like to call, "A Suspension of Disbelief". That is, take the ass-kicking as it comes and don't bother asking logical questions. Fortunately, that's just how I enjoy my action movies.    (B)
  

2010's Top 10 Films

     Similar to 2009, this year's top ten list has a solid number of major releases with a few independent films tossed in. I didn't see every major release this year, but according to Wikipedia's list of films released in 2010, I witnessed the credits of 50 various moving pictures. These are my favorite 10 of the 50 I watched, and they (yet again) all had one thing in common: they made your life suck less in 2010.


10.
Valhalla Rising

  


     Valhalla Rising is like the most violent play you have ever watched. It's a meditation on all things involving the human nature of man, including violence, faith and trust. It's scary, intense, and extremely weird. One-Eye, played by Mads Mikkelsen (the villain in Casino Royale), is a fearsome man who defeats everyone in battle. He's caught, caged and shackled, but he draws the attention of a new entity that is spreading the word across the countryside: Christians. They travel to a new land to force their views on unknown savages. Doesn't get much scarier than that. (Available on Netflix Instant Watch.)


9.
Toy Story 3

     
      Many would like to say that Pixar is for pussies. However, that simply is not the case. Year after year, they consistently produce some of the best films, and in the year 2010 they continue that theme with maybe their best film ever: Toy Story 3. I watched it without even remembering the previous two, and I still got sucked in and cared deeply about a bunch of animated toys that talked. Maybe I'm getting soft in my old age, but a movie about friendship and growing up will resonate with any human that has a heart. *cries softly onto the keyboard*


8.
True Grit

  
  
     Just kidding, I wasn't actually crying back there. Though I do shed a tear every now and then when I'm watching an emotional film. The near-end of True Grit could have been one of those moments, had I been alone and the mood was right. Instead, the film as a whole was a joyous experience filled with a snappy screenplay, beautiful cinematography and actors having fun. Better than the recent Burn After Reading and A Serious Man, I think the Coens should stick to what they're best at: studies on retribution and violence involving characters with nothing else to lose.


7.
The Kids Are All Right

     
     The Kids Are All Right is a great film about a same-sex marriage that isn't a novelty. It's about two women who truly love each other, and the ups and downs they go through just like any relationship. They have two children from a sperm donor, and the plot of the film deals with the children wanting to meet their biological dad. What follows is a comedic and poignant look at a modern family that constantly and consistently keeps getting redefined. This is a 2010 American family, like it or not. And if you don't like it then you're obviously a fucking idiot.


6.
Kick-Ass

      

  
     There are so many shitty comic book/graphic novel adaptations. For every The Dark Knight and Hellboy 2, we have a couple of stinking turds like Catwoman or Daredevil. Fortunately, it seems like studios are setting their eyes on some lesser known works this year, and it is surely to the viewer's benefit. Kick-Ass is extremely violent, extremely vulgar and it has the wonderful Nic Cage shouting incomprehensible things while getting lit on fire. And young girls saying "cunt". Kick-Ass is more than it's name: it's a frolicking good time through a seedy underworld with homegrown superheros without superpowers.


5.
Restrepo

  

  
  
     2010 was a fucking great year for one my favorite genres of film, documentaries. Another wonderful one, Exit Through the Gift Shop, almost made this list. However, only one documentary deserves such a high spot: Restrepo. For one year, two men traveled to Afghanistan and became embedded in one of the most dangerous places in the war to only film and interview. Surreal and filled with an unbelievable amount of anxiety, Restrepo is haunting, disgusting, funny, sad, and above all, unbelievable. It is the best documentary of the year 2010. (Available on Netflix Instant Watch.)


4.
127 Hours

      

  
      So full of life, Danny Boyle's films are. I was skeptical at first about him continuing this trend with a story about a guy trapped under a boulder. But yet again, he never ceases to amaze. This incredible story, documented through real life, flashbacks and dehydration hallucinations, throws images and emotions at you more than a stripper at PT's. That analogy doesn't really make any sense, but neither does the fact that Danny Boyle turned a story about a dude trapped under a rock into one of the best of the year. Just accept, and move along.


3.
The Social Network

      

  
     Upon watching this film for the second time, I came to a few realizations; one: David Fincher is clearly one of the best directors working today. His filmography all shares at least a little similarity, and they are never anything less than entertaining. I mean, this is the director that made a movie about the founding of Facebook extremely intense. Two: Aaron Sorkin should write more screenplays. Three: this film is one that defines a generation, a film that will only become better with age, when we finally see what Facebook truly becomes. It deserves every award it gets this season.


2.
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

















  

    
    
     Believe me when I say it: I was skeptical to say the least. I haven't really liked Michael Cera since Arrested Development, but I never hated him either. The previews for the movie made it look more like a romantic comedy than what it really is: an awesome fucking blend of music and videogames. Upon numerous viewings, I realize now that I should never ever doubt director Edgar Wright (who coincidentally directed my favorite comedy of all time, Shaun of the Dead). If you like videogames, slick directing, and a funny screenplay, then you will love this movie.


1.
Inception

     
     Will he ever disappoint? I'm guessing no. Chris Nolan has made some of the best films of the past 10 years, and he continues with the cum-inducing Inception. I actually heard an older woman inside a movie theater for a different movie say that she "didn't like it, too many special effects". I wanted to slap a bitch. Inception is entertaining, skillfully acted and directed, beautiful, and it constantly surprises you with the direction it heads. Repeat viewings only confirm the fact of its greatness. If you don't think Inception is one of the best films of 2010, then you, my friend, are living in a dream world.

Franco, My Dear, I Just Loved 127 Hours

     For some odd reason, I always thought James Franco was one of those pussy 90210 actors that only got movie roles in terrible films because of his charming good looks. He was always a little prick in those Spiderman films, and he never really impressed me (or anyone) with his roles in films like Annapolis or Flyboys. My opinion of him changed in 2008: his portrayal of lonely pot dealer Saul Silver in Pineapple Express was both hilarious and extremely touching. He followed that up with a small but important role in the good film Milk in the same year. Then I learned even more about him, discovering that he is also a writer and painter, and he even guest stars on General Hospital occasionally as a mysterious artist named Franco. Ok, this dude actually seems pretty cool, I thought to myself. After watching 127 Hours, the true story of a carefree climber getting his arm stuck under a boulder, my erection for Franco has reached its gigantic (tiny) peak. His performance will easily be included as one of the best of 2010 and is at times funny, heart-wrenching and puke-inducing.
     127 Hours is based upon the book by Aron Ralston, "Between a Rock and a Hard Place," and it chronicles a trip to the Blue John Canyon in the Utah Desert where things go terribly wrong. To get away from the sprawl, Aron bikes and climbs in the Utah canyons, taking in the never ending vistas and beautiful rock formations. Always ready for an adventure, he jumps through cracks and crevices into blue, shining pools of water dozens of feet below. He rides his bike fast and hard, jumping rocks and taking diggers onto the desert sand. At one point, he uses a boulder about the size of a dump truck tire to inch himself down a thin crevice. The boulder doesn't hold. This isn't really a spoiler if you've seen the trailers to the movie, as at least three quarters of the run time is Aron stuck under a rock. Sounds a little boring, no? No. Like Tom Hanks in Castaway, the loneliness of the situation is fascinating and never dull (unlike his jackknife when he needs to do the inevitable). He has little water, little food, and only a few other gadgets--a camera, video camera, some rope, a flashlight and a dull jackknife. Some of the film is told in hallucinations and short flashbacks, which makes you relate to Aron and the terrible conundrum that he has gotten himself into.

     The film is not great just because of Franco and the interesting story; it's also great due to the full-of-life frenetic direction by the always-reliable Danny Boyle. Whether he is filming wasted youth in Trainspotting, flesh-eating zombies in 28 Days Later, the Indian version of Who wants to be a Millionaire? in Slumdog Millionaire, or a man running out of water in 127 Hours, his direction if always full of one thing: energy. A couple of examples from 127 Hours: Aron, slowly dying of thirst, hallucinates of Coke commercials and perspiring glass bottles of liquid at a rapid pace. Aron's piss slowly bubbling up the straw of his water pack into his mouth. The realization that Aron's situation is solely his own fault, filmed with flashbacks of him not telling anyone where he was going or not returning his mom's phone call the day before. All of these clips have to be seen to be appreciated. Danny Boyle is becoming a director to rely on for at times hilarious, at times horrifying, but always entertaining film making.
     127 Hours is one of the best films of the year. I could have watched it for 127 hours. Every aspect of it comes together for the full package of movie enjoyability. There were reports of people passing out and/or vomiting during the scene that most people know is coming. Don't let that deter you from this wonderful film. It's story that celebrates the will to live, and if you're not at least a little moved, then you're not human.     (A)
  

Squirting Shit and Drinking Sweat: The Jackass 3-D Review

     There's a great (and pertinent to this review) scene in the 2006 Mike Judge comedy Idiocracy: upon an experiment going wrong and waking up hundreds of years in the future, one of the main characters, Joe, witnesses another man watching a television show that is extremely popular in this future day and age. A man's excited voice comes through the speakers: "Comin' up next on the Violence Channel, Ow, My Balls!" The T.V. then proceeds to show various situations in which men are getting hit in the testicles by a plethora of objects. Clearly Idiocracy is trying to show that if we continue on the path of entertainment that is currently occupying the airways, we're eventually going to become blubbering idiots that only become excited when men vomit from getting their nuts squashed. Apparently, the country didn't have to wait 500 years; last weekend, Jackass 3-D broke the all-time(!) October opening weekend box office. I loved every minute of it, and I contributed to the box office by going to two separate showings myself. Jackass 3-D, although sometimes seeming a little unoriginal by using some recycled ideas from past films and episodes, is a fun and absolutely disgusting visit with the guys that I have grown to love over the course of the past 10 years.
     Jackass started on MTV back in the year 2000, and I have watched it from the beginning (every episode and all three films). It's amazing that the main guys haven't been dismembered or killed. From the beginning, flying down the pavement in shopping carts and drinking and regurgitating goldfish, to this most recent installment, involving bull kicks to the head and jumping through the air outtake of a jet engine, danger is always extremely close and potentially deadly. Isn't that why we are watching this so-called trash? Like a massive car accident with twisted metal and glass shattering, at any moment Johnny Knoxville's skull could get crushed and Steve-O's dick could get bitten off by an alligator. However, this isn't just stupid dudes doing stupid shit. Well, yes it is, but, some of their best skits and/or routines rival any slapstick or sideshow acts. They go all the way, and that's what puts them above most people trying the same sort of things. They particularly go pretty far in gross-out comedy. It takes a very lot to disgust me, so when a film actually makes me cringe it should be considered a success.

     Jackass 3-D had a few of these cringe-worthy moments. If you don't want the film to be spoiled or you are disgusted just by reading what these guys do, then read no further. Picture a beautiful train set. The choo-choo goes around the track with well-made models of buildings and little figurines going about their business. In the middle of the town, a volcano is about to erupt. The hole widens and then explodes, only it isn't red-hot lava, but brown-hot shit. The camera pans out, and underneath the train set is a jackass crouched upside down, shooting his (probably Mexican food-induced) poo through the top of the volcano. The classic fake-out. The feces is shown in beautiful slow-motion 3-D, really using the always-becoming-more-popular filming technique to wonderful and repulsive effect. This one really got to me: the fat Jackass, Preston, gets wrapped in saran wrap and starts walking on a treadmill. Coming out of the saran wrap (right below his gigantic cottage-cheesy ass crack), is a funnel collecting all of the drippings of sweat. Steve-O collects enough for a nice sweat cocktail. Hilarity and vomiting ensue to brilliant effect. The final gross-out is the picture above. Steve-O enters an outhouse that is overflowing with solid and liquid dumpings. The potty is hooked up to an enormous bungee system, shooting him into the air at least 50 feet high and shooting him up and down at fast speeds. Imagine shit and then imagine gravity. You can imagine the outcome.
     What, exactly, is the purpose of film in general? Whether you're watching an Oscar-winning drama or a porn movie about squirters, you only want to be entertained. That's the basis for most humans entering the movie theater. Seeing these men acting like juveniles is just that. It taps into our basic human emotions in a way that most films don't bother trying to reach. They inflict pain on each other for the viewer's benefit, and you have to give them credit for that. There are simplistic sketches, such as hitting a ping pong ball with a penis and then trying to catch it in your mouth, and there are advanced and more thought out scenes, such as "Electric Avenue", in which the jackasses have to make it through a narrow corridor full of hanging stun guns and cattle prods. They have one thing in common: I couldn't take my eyes off of the large screen. Go watch the film, and then I will pose the question that Maximus posed many years ago: "Are you not entertained?"
     (B+)

"Machete Don't Text"

     I was a pretty huge fan of the whole experience of witnessing 1997's double film Grindhouse at a theater on opening night. Two of the most interesting directors today, Robert Rodriquez and Quentin Tarantino, filled the two back-to-back films with nods to 1970's exploitation flicks while also retaining a modern feel and look. The two movies that comprised Grindhouse, Robert's Planet Terror and Quentin's Death Proof, were preceded by and separated in the middle by some unbelievably entertaining fake movie trailers created by some of the most exciting directors in horror working today (namely Edgar Wright and Eli Roth). Machete, directed by Rodriguez himself, was one of these fake trailers. I remember the trailer being hilarious and disgustingly violent, and when I heard the news that Rodriguez was making a film based off of this fake trailer, excitement set in. Unfortunately, Machete (when turned into a 102 minute film from a 3 minute preview), doesn't quite live up to the high expectations I had set for it.  While still funny and entertaining, it wasn't hilarious and amazing. It maintains it's momentum for much of the film, but slows down in the final act as something suspiciously close to boredom set into my mind. This isn't the type of film where you're expecting that to happen.
     The star of Machete is Danny Trejo. He is an extremely memorable actor, mostly due to his haggard face and weathered skin. He is an actor that is recognizable for life, due to his roles in films such as Desperado, Con Air, and From Dusk Till Dawn. He recently played a small (but memorable) part in AMC's Breaking Bad, far and away the best show on television. The story is typical for this sort of venture: a renegade Mexican Federale's family is mudered, so he roams the streets looking for work and revenge. He gets hired to kill a senator by a sketchy snaky man (played well by Lost's Jeff Fahey), but obviously things don't really go as planned. One of the problems that occurred during my viewing of the film is the amount of screen time that Danny Trejo has: for a movie titled the name of the main character, I expected way more ultra-violent killings and entertaining impalings and decapitations. This film is supposed to be over-the-top in a 1970's exploitation way--it just doesn't go over-the-top enough. Don't get me wrong: there are many interesting and original scenes (such as Machete swinging through a window by hanging onto someone's gutted-out intestines), but not enough to satiate my sick and twisted mind.

     Trejo and Fahey were great, and played their roles as well as anyone with this script could have. Even Robert De Niro and Cheech had some memorable lines. The other "actors" were (to be kind) fairly annoying. Three of the main women in the film, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez and Lindsey Lohan, are clearly in this movie as future spank bank material for the male and lesbian viewers. Michelle Rodriguez might as well have ducktape covering her mouth and a sign with an arrow that points down to her stomach and barely covered clam. Jessica Alba's Braveheart-esque motivational speech near the end of the film was laughable at best and stab-a-fucking-ice-pick-into-my-ears-and-eyes at worst. Lindsey Lohan is topless most of the entire runtime, but unfortunately her split-ended and grimy-looking hair covered a big percentage of her breasts. (That's a body double in her 3-way sex scene.) Pretty much the only reason for Lindey Lohan living would be to have her completely naked in every film role that she is cast in, and that almost happens here, but not quite. Oh yeah, some girl also keeps a cell phone in her vagina. While that might seem like an original idea, I'm sure every girl has tried that since the invention of the vibrate setting.
     I feel like I am being a bit harsh, but that's only because I have my standards set so high when it comes to these types of projects. Machete was still enjoyable and fun as a whole, and a lot of these complaints don't do that much to ruin the overall fun factor. It's a sloppy, interesting ride of violence, breasts and backstabbing, while all the while hitting you over the head with some basic political ideologies about illegal immigration. However, as I stated before, the film doesn't push the boundaries far enough: instead of making fun of past exploitation flicks with more gore, more tits, and more comedy, the extreme nature of the film goes lower and lower until is comes precariously close to being as entertaining as the films it's supposed to be homaging.      (B-)